Ask me anything
Tap into the wisdom of the Uncle right here! Ask me anything!. To post a comment, go to the "comment" push button at the bottom of this page and, well, push it. If you actually want to read this stuff, aside from the fact that I feel sorry for you, you should know that the most recent is posted last so to the extent that there is some sort of logical thread that runs through these musings (maybe logic isn't exactly the right word), it runs from the bottom up, if you see what I mean. If you don't see what I mean, don't feel bad because not a lot of people do, if you see what I mean.


Your question: That's it! Bush got elected and I'm getting out of here. Besides Canada, are there any other countries you would recommend?

Well, unfortunately you have a bit of a geographical problem here. See, theres no country besides Canada. On the left, you have this big ocean and on the right, you have this other big ocean. I suppose it's possible that there might be some country underneath one or both of these oceans, but if so, you wouldn't want to live there for long. I mean, I turn into a prune in just a couple of hours swimming in the ocean. Can you imagine if you lived your whole life there? You'd end up looking like one of those little Chinese dogs. Except with only two legs and no tail. And smaller ears, or course, at least as far as I know, if you know what I mean.

Besides, it wouldn't be all that different. I mean you'd have prunes instead of prudes, you'd be drowning in seawater instead of national debt, you'd be sleeping with the fishes instead of your illegitimate same-sex spouse, and you'd be surrounded by sharks instead of lawyers. So my advice is just to stick around and watch the fun. At least that way you can try to keep your head above water for the next four years.

-UNK


10/28/04 Anonymous said:
According to the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, written, I'm certain, by a good friend of the Uncles', the meaning of life is 47.

This is not a question. I said ask a question. If you are so smart that you don't need to ask questions, get your own damn web site. Besides which, as I explained below, the meaning of life is different for everyone-you have to use the spreadsheet. As it happens, that Adams guy who wrote that book asked me and I put it in the spreadsheet and it came out 47, but that was his special meaning and he made the horrible mistake of putting it in his book, which sold pretty well, so a lot of people are running around in the world today with the wrong meaning, which is why things are so screwed up. So don't go around telling people it's 47, because it isn't for everyone. Imagine what would happen if you told a blue-green algae that the meaning of life was 47! You see what kind of chaos that would cause? I don't mean to sound upset, but I'm getting a little tired of trying to fix this all the time, and the guy who caused all the problems has refused to recall the book or print a retraction, so I'm a little sensitive about the issue.



10/26/04 Question: What is the meaning of life?


Well, it depends on your definition of life. I mean, if you're talking about the cereal, it means sweet crunchy goodness in the morning, even if you aren't a Quaker and even when you don't get paid for unsolicited worldwide advertising for your product, which I don't. I just like the stuff.

As far as life that involves actualy moving objects, it still depends on your defintion. See, a whole range of things, like blue-green algae and kelp and republicans and people with tattoos, can also be said to have life. It means something different for all of them. For instance, the meaning for a blue-green algae is sliminess, so their main goal is to become really important by, for instance, sliming a famous person. So they find the right swimming pool and lay there on the bottom until somebody's bottom lands on them. I mean, wouldn't you love to live out youre life with Cher or Brad Pitt sitting on you? You wouldn't? That's because you aren't a blue-green algae. See what I mean? It all depends on what you are. Once you figure that out, it's a simple formula.

So the formula works like this. First, you figure out who you are and what you want. Like you may want to make a million dollers, or eat chocolate every day, or feel comfortable in a bra. Whatever it is, write all that stuff down. What ever you do, you probably want to excell in it, right? So put it all in an Excel spreadsheet. Once it's in there, do a sum of column A, multiple the chi-square root by the summation, average columns B and C, carry the 6 and that's your result! The meaning of life, personalized to your particular situation! That wasn't so hard, was it?

-UNK



10/22/04 Question: UNK, what should I wear for Halloweed?

As far as I know, you don't WEAR hollow weeds, you SMOKE them. At least that's what we used to do when I was a kid and we couldn't afford the real stuff. If you want to wear something, I suggest you do it for Halloween.

Let's start with the basics. You should probably consider underwear, socks and shoes. From there it's a little more complicated. People tend to chose a lot of options- funny, scary, fantasy, evil, sick, and many others. If you want to be funny and you don't mind basic black and white, you might want to consider Martha Stewart. If you would rather go with scary, try George Bush. There are a lot of fantastic fantasy possibilities, like Harry Potter characters, dragons, Pamela Anderson, becoming the next winner on the World Poker Tour, Tinker Bell, and triple chocolate. For evil, you could pick any of your favorite reality TV characters, and for sick, I'd say just wait for the flu season to kick into full gear. Anyway, this will give you some ideas. I hope it helps.
-Unk


- posted by Uncle Apollo @ 8:10 AM 5 comments