11/05/04
OK, finally it's all over. So now all the political types are making nicey nice like they never meant it when they acted like the other guy was evil incarnate for the last year or so. So here they are, the people who are supposed to lead the country and set a moral example for all of the people and they just got done giving each other wedgies and slapping pies in their respective faces and they make this phone call and say, "So how are we going to make this crazy America a more gentle, friendly places where people respect each other?" And the loser goes on the TV and says, "You know that guy who was a baby killer, rapist serial murderer, who I said would make everyone want to nuke us? Well he lost so he called me and he's really not such a bad guy after all. So what say we all just try to get along, OK?" And the winner goes on TV and says, "You know that guy who cheated his way to the top, ripped off everyone around him, killed his mother and is so incompetant he has to hire a consultant to tie his shoes every morning? Well, he won so I called him and we had a really, really good talk and he can probably do a pretty good job of running this country." And like good dutiful citizens, we agree that these are our fearless leaders so we better believe them, both before and after this whole election thing and then we go home and kick the dog and wonder why we can't seem to get focussed.
Anyway, the good news is that it's all over and we can settle in and watch while the winner fixes all the problems in the country like he promised he will, without worrying too much about the fact that he's the one who created half of them in the first place. Actually, it seems like sort of a consultant's full employment program. You go in to this company to run it, screw it up and run it into the ground, then have them hire you to fix it! The more I think about it, the more I like it. You could call it business Boomerangers, with a motto like "The Boomers taketh away, and the Boomers giveth back again", or "Bounce with Us". Four more years! That's all it will take! I swear, I'll have it fixed by then! Really!
Sound like a great job to me. Maybe I'll try it next time around.
UNK
11/02/04
So today is the day! The big flap on the radio this morning is how the Republicans don't trust the voters or the poll workers. Apparently they think there's going to be all these roving bands of Rock the Voters going around and voting willy-nilly as many times as they can, and illegal aliens and maybe even dead people voting like on the Bernie movies, and the poll workers won't even notice that these people are dead and so probably wont be very good at actually making up their minds. And of course the Democrats think the Republicans can't be trusted not to be standing there at the polls with night sticks going "What do do think you're doing here, kid? Trying to vote? We know where you live, kid, and we don't like that tattoo."
So their answer is to have a Democratic lawer to watch the Republican lawyer and a Republican lawer to watch everyone else. So now what you got is these poll workers, plus a couple of lawyers, and it seems to me in order to have equal representation, you might want to take your own lawyer with you to argue your case just in case someone thinks you look like a fraudulent voter, and maybe a body guard and what the heck, maybe your pit bull too.
You see what this means, don't you? Eventually it will take three hundred and forty-two people just to get one vote out there, so that will only leave about 250 actual voters in the whole friggin country. And there's seven, count 'em, seven presidential candidates plus all of these other candidates for all sorts of other stuff, so by the time you split it all out, if you get three votes, you can be president. And even I have three friends, if I count my mother, so the good news is that anybody can be president.
I'm telling you, next time around, I'm going for it. All I gotta do is raise about $600 million plus legal fees, and I can start running this country. It's about time.
UNK
10/21/04
Seems to me this presidential election is, well, not very presidential. It's more like fessional wrestling, which is professional wrestling without the pro part. Mostly, fessional wrestling is like the professional kind, except instead of a referee who can actually break up the wrestlers once in awhile and declare the winner, you only have announcers. So, like in the debates where Jim Lehr tried to cut off Gerorge Bush and Bush said something like "shut up and let me talk or I'll kick you out of the world, like I did to France, or maybe I'll even bomb your ass", Lehr just shut up. I don't blame him. I would too. I couldn't imagine getting all sideways with the Bush family and ending up in a hole out in the desert someplace with natty hair and a beard full of fleas. I can't really grow a very good beard myself, so it would be really embarrasing to have to show up on worldwide TV like that, if you know what I mean. Of course. the good news is that those desert holes are so small that there's no room for "Betty the Blowup Babe" so one source of embarrasement would be out of the question.
Anyway, what I think they should do is to change the rules. Make it more like hockey, wherew there are some sort of rules and these officials that can give them penalties. Imagine when they get toward the end of the game, it's tied, and one of the candidates has to sit out for three days. Man, the officials would RULE! What a cool job! I'd even give up god status for that one! Where do I sign up?
10/16/04
I see where they think that the Bush strategy of making Kerry look like an idiot may have backfired at the debates. Seems that the $100 million that the Bush folks spent raised expectations that Kerry was going to stroll in to the debates wearing flip-flops, talking like Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee, and jumping up on the podium screaming "Tax! Spend! We need more of your money now!!", and when he actually strung together some coherent sentences, everybody thought he won the debates.
Well, now, the City of Chlesea is talking about putting together a deal to convince people to come in and buy stuff and do other stuff around the town. Seems to me we should be careful about how we do that. I mean, if people start to think that people start to think that the streets of Chelsea are paved with winning Lotto tickets and you can get Armani jeans at Goodwill prices, we might be making a $100 million mistake.
And besides, we all know that bad stuff draws good people, right? I mean, think about it. When everybody thinks there's a mountain about to blow it's top, they don't run away, right? They all pack a picninc lunch and try and get a seat so close their sneakers start burning. You don't think Wrestlemania is popular because people actually care who wins, do you?
So here's the deal. Why don't we send out stuff that says, like, "The barrels are back!", "Freak of Nature Causes green ooze to run down the streets of Chelsea", "Four-headed alien spotted peering out fo Chelsea Clocktower", and some other weird stuff. Then after people drive six hours to get here and don't see the alien, they'll wander around downtown and buy all this stuff and see that we're a pretty good town after all.
And we'll win the debates. Or if we don't, everbody will still think we did.
10/12/2004
Well, I'm not quite sure I know where this country is headed. Auntie and I have bought plane tickets to the Honduras for the whole family, just in case. Sure, sure, the Honduras probably doesn't sound like the best alternative place to go, but we found it with our patented "where did the glob of jelly land?" technique, and besides, the real estate prices are really great. Also, we haven't decided what would have to happen for us to actually use the tickets.
I mean, think about it. If Bush gets in again, the only place to get an American job will probably be in the Honduras or China anyway, and I just can't think vertically so China is definitely out. I mean, if you get a Chinese newpaper and turn it sideways so the words are laid out in the God-ordained horizontal format, then all of the letters are sideways. And do you know how long it takes to cut out each one of those letters individually and rotate them back into the right position? I'm telling you, it takes me all day just to read the front page. So, China is out. And by the time we start taking out Iran, North Korea, the Gaza Strip, France, Colorado (The arch-rival of Texas), and all of the blue states, we figure everyone in the family, including Arf, will be up for the draft.
But then, if Kerry actually squeaks in after trouncing Bush tomorrow night, it's possible that we will see a big escalation in insurgent activity, with rival bands of toughs going around at random, buying readily accessible assault weapons to take out the Democrats. I definitely wouldn't wan't to be living in red states if that happened.
I'm telling you, with all this reb/blue stuff going on, I can't even see straight without wearing my 3-D goggles. Isn't anybody purple any more?
